Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
For years, my favorite hymn has been Blessed Assurance. I was saved at the age of five, but struggled with assurance for years. When I was a freshman in college, I heard Dr. Bill Rice say that those doubting their salvation were ineffective for Christ. It was at that time that I asked God for assurance and realized that I had allowed this doubt to cripple my walk with Him. I haven’t doubted since then, and what peace there is in having that settled in my heart. It was at that time that I began to love this beautiful hymn written by Fanny Crosby.
Perfect submission, all is at rest!
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with his goodness, lost in His love.
A few years later, verse three came alive in my life and further endeared this hymn to my heart. In 2006, I walked through the darkest spiritual battle that I have ever faced. I began having various physical symptoms that alerted me to the fact that something serious was wrong with me. As a nurse, I recognized these symptoms to be pointing toward lymphoma. I visited doctor after doctor to have them tell me that there was no need for testing, and I was just suffering from “post partum anxiety”. I did begin to struggle with anxiety as I feared for my life. This anxiety began to overtake me, and I slowly became ineffective as a wife and mother. I remember crying out to God and begging Him for relief. Over and over I prayed and it seemed that God had turned a deaf ear to my cries. I remember telling Him that I would be willing to endure anything, if He would only give me His grace and peace to make it through the trial.
In God’s timing, and after several months of emotional turmoil, I finally found a Christian nurse practitioner that ordered some testing to be done. The first test, a MRI revealed a mass in my lungs. When I got the results, I fell apart in the doctor’s office. He ordered a stat CT for the following day to further identify the problem. When we arrived home, I asked Ray to take our three children away, so I could be alone and spend time in prayer. It was that night that I fought the strongest spiritual battle in prayer that I have ever fought. God prompted a godly friend to call me and ask me what it was that I was holding on to and afraid to give up to Him. I immediately responded, my children and husband. I had prayed so long for my children and I didn’t want anyone else raising them, and I didn’t want anyone else marrying my husband. After hanging up with her, I wrestled with God for awhile longer and finally said “OK, God, if this is what you want, and I know you know what is best for me, then it’s okay, because You know what my children and husband need more than I do.” I finally came to that point of “perfect submission” to Him. At that moment, he gave me the peace that I had been begging and pleading for for such a long time.
The next day, I had the CT scan done and went back to the doctors office to get the results. The nurse practitioner walked into the room with his head down, and quietly told me that I had one of two types of cancer, and it appeared most likely to be lymphoma. The peace that God had given me again overwhelmed me and although it wasn’t the news I wanted to hear, all of the previous anxiety was gone as I was able to trust God’s plan for my life.
After two biopsies, thankfully, it was determined that I have an auto immune disease called Sarcoid, instead of lymphoma. Although it is not a journey I would have chosen to walk, I am so glad God put me through that fiery trial to show me what it was to be able to say that “all is at rest, I in my Savior am happy and blessed.” God is so good!